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    Friday
    Aug212009

    Movie Review: G.I. Joe

    DateFriday, August 21, 2009 at 12:25AM | AuthorRyanSilb

    So I just got back from seeing the new GI Joe movie (subtitled "Rise of COBRA" but really should be "Collateral Damage"). I don't post an awful lot of movie reviews, despite seeing an awful lot of movies, but I couldn't pass this up.

    I don't necessarily think it would be fair to evaluate this movie on the scale of good and bad. Using normal standards, this movie is terrible, but I truly think it defies those standards.

    Sitting here now, I honestly cannot tell you what the movie was truly about. I mean, yeah, the bad guys are mad about a couple of things: behing left behind, a dead brother, and an ancestor being insulted by the Spanish in the 17th century.  Also, the Joes are just a bunch of dudes (and Scarlett) who want to do good and you know, stop the bad guys. 

    Basically, the plot is tenuous, and the dialogue is cheesy to the point of not needing to bring any for my nachos, but that's what this movie wants to be: a living, breathing, Saturday Morning Cartoon. In that regard, it succeeds on every front: Fantastical weapons and vehicles (that no doubt make cool toys), secret bases (including one underwater!), chase scenes, and characters whose sexual identities are limited to ambiguous dialogue and pecks on the lips. 

    Mercifully, the movie doesn't try to be as funny as Transformers does, and at least the stereotypes here have talent (for the most part, I mean Scarlett's gig seemed to be shooting people at point blank range with a laser-sighted mini crossbow ((I reiterate, point. blank. range.))) Also, most of the main cast seemed to suffer from IFS, or Involuntary Flashback Syndrome, of which the only cure seemed to be kissing or death. 

    Stylistically, it actually reminds me most of the last Brosnan Bond movie, Die Another Day, the one where Bond had almost dived to the point of self-parody. Basically, this is a movie that does not take itself to seriously. And neither should you. But damn am I confused about what exactly was going on. 

    I'm just disappointed it didn't end with a PSA like this one:

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